can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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