Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
