I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
