i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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