Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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