I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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