i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
