I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
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That's how twitter works, right?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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