Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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