I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize