New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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