is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
