it hurts more in the daytime
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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