my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
