I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I am midnight drunk by noon
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
