Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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