I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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