Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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