Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
