My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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