Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
