just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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