I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
