Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
