I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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