I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
