I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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