He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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