how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
