We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
