She said her name was "party"
I need to stop coming to work sober
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize