I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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