Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
