I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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