just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
