dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
