My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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