i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
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