Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Randomize