As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize