There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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