peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
