I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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