Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
