: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
