I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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