The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
