Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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