As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
