Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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