Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize