i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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