Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize