if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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