Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have
None he's f-d
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
