I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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