Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
