dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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