I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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